Some objectively shitty things have happened in the last few days. Yesterday, I got off work, intending to embark on a 3 hour trip down to the beach for a few days, only to find that my car had been broken into, and a backpack containing my DSLR and laptop missing. Last week, I hit a pole at a gas station. All of this could end up being very expensive for me, and a good portion of the money I've been saving for the past 2 years to move to LA and pursue a dream in making YouTube videos and creating other online projects could be gone.

Positives:

-I'm alive

-I'm not hurt

-I've been fortunate enough to be lent a camera and computer so that I can continue creating videos

But it still doesn't change the fact that I feel crappy about this. When juxtaposed to the amazing end of June/beginning of July I had, it's relatively awful. All this has triggered a depressive episode. I'm feeling very familiarly down, like I'm looking at the world through a haze. My mom is worried, which makes me feel worse because I don't want her to be worried about me. I'm not okay right now, but that's okay. Because I know exactly what is going on. I've been through this before. I know what triggers me, what I need to avoid, and how to battle through. But depression is not like a light switch. It's not a disease that you treat and cure. It's a condition that I will be suffering through, fighting round after round with, for the rest of my life.

I made a decision 6 months ago to go off my antidepressants. I do not regret this. My family gets worried when I experience lows, but these lows are part of who I am. Because on the converse, I get to experience the highs. Medication saved my life 2 years ago, but there was a side effect that I couldn't bear. It muted my feelings. I wasn't feeling down ever, sure, but I wasn't able to feel that euphoric joy that so often accompanies my good times. So I made a choice, to battle through the hard times, ride the wave of the good times, and trust myself and the process that I will survive, learn, and live with who I am.

Awareness is my biggest weapon in dealing with this. So with that said, here's what having depression is like for me:

-It starts with numbness. I cease expressing any and all emotions. It's like a train just ran me over, and I stop existing for a time.

-Next comes the crying. Once I realize that I am numb, I become hyper aware of the fact that something is terribly wrong, and despair rushes through every part of my body. I often squirm and convulse, sometimes hitting things, trying in every way possible to get rid of the feelings.

-After this is the calm. I calm down, and start trying to function again. I might crack a few jokes, fake a smile, all to try and convince myself that I am okay. But all this lying does nothing to help me get through it.

-Then the appetite goes. I'll be hungry, but not want to eat anything. I'll be tired, but not want to go to sleep. I'm caught in this limbo between wanting something and not having the energy or desire to do the thing I want.

-Here's what I call the "stuck" phase. On a couch, in a bed, just laying there. Often with Netflix or YouTube mindlessly stimulating me. I'm passing the time, completely stuck inside my head with barely any thoughts. One emotion is present: hopelessness.

-At this point, I have a choice to make. I can continue as I am, or I can start fighting. This time around, I know exactly what is going on inside my head. It's like I'm a soldier having been in basic training (therapy for 2 years) and I'm about to be deployed. I will not let this consume me. I have no other choice but to get through. There is no other option. 2 years ago, on the brink of self destruction, I told myself, "Connor, you're gonna choose to love this life in all its shitty, imperfect, yet beautiful glory." So that's what this is.

I'm not just gonna get "better." It doesn't work that way. I'm not just gonna wake up one morning to find that I'm not depressed anymore. It's a process. I may not be in college, but I've been studying really hard. I've been studying myself, writing research papers in the form of video blogs on YouTube, and taking tests and exams in the forms of these bouts with depression, with being triggered by drugs and alcohol. My classroom is my own brain and my campus is my body. And you can bet your sweet ass I'm gonna graduate with honors.

In my last post, I talked about how I reflected right after one of the greatest days of my life. I said to myself on that day, "You're gonna need this. You're gonna need this feeling. Hold onto it. Right now, you trust everything you've done and you trust yourself. Never doubt that." Well I need it now. And I have it.

Having depressive episodes does not detract from all the progress that I have made. It does not mean that I am "not okay" or that I am "not ready" for whatever steps are coming next. If I let it consume me, then it does. But this does not consume me. I am doing fantastically, despite what those in my life might think. In the end, it doesn't even matter. The only thing that matters is how I feel, and right now, how I'm feeling versus how I felt when I started this post shows me that I am not only surviving, I am truly living.

I trust me, I trust this process. It's an imperfect process, and there are bumps on the road, but like Augustus Waters, I'm on a rollercoaster that's only going up. Maybe that's a silly metaphor, because it has to come down at some point (we all know how Mr. Waters loved his silly metaphors), but it's one I truly identify with. Right now, things are shitty. But if I remember the specific times, if I remember that a little under 2 years ago, I was numb, high, and empty on the side of a rainy road at 3 am trying to cry, then I'll remember that I'm doing excellently.

Depression is not simple. Depression doesn't yearn to be "cured." Depression is something to deal with. It's like a monster that sometimes breaks out of its cage, and you have to contain it and lock it back up, yet you will always hear its grumbling and growling, because it wants nothing more than to run rampant throughout your entire being.

It's a process, like everything. And it's a process I've learned to not only trust, as shown in ink on my arm, but one I've learned to love.

DFTBA

-Connor