What Having Depression is Like

Some objectively shitty things have happened in the last few days. Yesterday, I got off work, intending to embark on a 3 hour trip down to the beach for a few days, only to find that my car had been broken into, and a backpack containing my DSLR and laptop missing. Last week, I hit a pole at a gas station. All of this could end up being very expensive for me, and a good portion of the money I've been saving for the past 2 years to move to LA and pursue a dream in making YouTube videos and creating other online projects could be gone.

Positives:

-I'm alive

-I'm not hurt

-I've been fortunate enough to be lent a camera and computer so that I can continue creating videos

But it still doesn't change the fact that I feel crappy about this. When juxtaposed to the amazing end of June/beginning of July I had, it's relatively awful. All this has triggered a depressive episode. I'm feeling very familiarly down, like I'm looking at the world through a haze. My mom is worried, which makes me feel worse because I don't want her to be worried about me. I'm not okay right now, but that's okay. Because I know exactly what is going on. I've been through this before. I know what triggers me, what I need to avoid, and how to battle through. But depression is not like a light switch. It's not a disease that you treat and cure. It's a condition that I will be suffering through, fighting round after round with, for the rest of my life.

I made a decision 6 months ago to go off my antidepressants. I do not regret this. My family gets worried when I experience lows, but these lows are part of who I am. Because on the converse, I get to experience the highs. Medication saved my life 2 years ago, but there was a side effect that I couldn't bear. It muted my feelings. I wasn't feeling down ever, sure, but I wasn't able to feel that euphoric joy that so often accompanies my good times. So I made a choice, to battle through the hard times, ride the wave of the good times, and trust myself and the process that I will survive, learn, and live with who I am.

Awareness is my biggest weapon in dealing with this. So with that said, here's what having depression is like for me:

-It starts with numbness. I cease expressing any and all emotions. It's like a train just ran me over, and I stop existing for a time.

-Next comes the crying. Once I realize that I am numb, I become hyper aware of the fact that something is terribly wrong, and despair rushes through every part of my body. I often squirm and convulse, sometimes hitting things, trying in every way possible to get rid of the feelings.

-After this is the calm. I calm down, and start trying to function again. I might crack a few jokes, fake a smile, all to try and convince myself that I am okay. But all this lying does nothing to help me get through it.

-Then the appetite goes. I'll be hungry, but not want to eat anything. I'll be tired, but not want to go to sleep. I'm caught in this limbo between wanting something and not having the energy or desire to do the thing I want.

-Here's what I call the "stuck" phase. On a couch, in a bed, just laying there. Often with Netflix or YouTube mindlessly stimulating me. I'm passing the time, completely stuck inside my head with barely any thoughts. One emotion is present: hopelessness.

-At this point, I have a choice to make. I can continue as I am, or I can start fighting. This time around, I know exactly what is going on inside my head. It's like I'm a soldier having been in basic training (therapy for 2 years) and I'm about to be deployed. I will not let this consume me. I have no other choice but to get through. There is no other option. 2 years ago, on the brink of self destruction, I told myself, "Connor, you're gonna choose to love this life in all its shitty, imperfect, yet beautiful glory." So that's what this is.

I'm not just gonna get "better." It doesn't work that way. I'm not just gonna wake up one morning to find that I'm not depressed anymore. It's a process. I may not be in college, but I've been studying really hard. I've been studying myself, writing research papers in the form of video blogs on YouTube, and taking tests and exams in the forms of these bouts with depression, with being triggered by drugs and alcohol. My classroom is my own brain and my campus is my body. And you can bet your sweet ass I'm gonna graduate with honors.

In my last post, I talked about how I reflected right after one of the greatest days of my life. I said to myself on that day, "You're gonna need this. You're gonna need this feeling. Hold onto it. Right now, you trust everything you've done and you trust yourself. Never doubt that." Well I need it now. And I have it.

Having depressive episodes does not detract from all the progress that I have made. It does not mean that I am "not okay" or that I am "not ready" for whatever steps are coming next. If I let it consume me, then it does. But this does not consume me. I am doing fantastically, despite what those in my life might think. In the end, it doesn't even matter. The only thing that matters is how I feel, and right now, how I'm feeling versus how I felt when I started this post shows me that I am not only surviving, I am truly living.

I trust me, I trust this process. It's an imperfect process, and there are bumps on the road, but like Augustus Waters, I'm on a rollercoaster that's only going up. Maybe that's a silly metaphor, because it has to come down at some point (we all know how Mr. Waters loved his silly metaphors), but it's one I truly identify with. Right now, things are shitty. But if I remember the specific times, if I remember that a little under 2 years ago, I was numb, high, and empty on the side of a rainy road at 3 am trying to cry, then I'll remember that I'm doing excellently.

Depression is not simple. Depression doesn't yearn to be "cured." Depression is something to deal with. It's like a monster that sometimes breaks out of its cage, and you have to contain it and lock it back up, yet you will always hear its grumbling and growling, because it wants nothing more than to run rampant throughout your entire being.

It's a process, like everything. And it's a process I've learned to not only trust, as shown in ink on my arm, but one I've learned to love.

DFTBA

-Connor

A lil reflection on VidCon

There was a period of about an hour Saturday evening in which the phrase "I can't even" essentailly epitomized every fiber of my being. Ava, Alayna, Dallas, I, and some other friends who happened to stop by had a little impromptu meetup outside the main stage at VidCon. There were no crazy lines, no bombastically passionate fangirls wanting to literally punch someone in the face to get a piece of us. No. Instead there were about 20 or so people who came to talk over the 90 minutes we spent out there. They didn't come to get a signature and leave. They came to talk. And talk we did. I had about a 20 minute conversation with a girl named Anna. We talked about everything from how I got to where I am on YouTube, tips for starting a channel, and in general just following and doing the things that make us the most happy. I could tell from the moment she said "I actually had a few questions" that we were about to get real. And I love that. I got to know someone, and she got to know me. That's why I do this, to live and learn along side of all those who choose to jump on this crazy emotional spaceship that is my YouTube channel and blast off into wherever the crap we're going. The support that I was fortunate enough to get from those who came and talked to me made me want to be better. I know I have so much more to give to this community, so much more that I can be doing. And I want to do it. I want to work 60 hours a week and squeeze every bit of passion I have into each and every video, whether it's one I spent days on or one I just filmed on the floor. Because this is me at my most honest. This is me at my most real. And there are people who actually care about that, and who are rooting for me, which at times is hard to see. After the meetup, we went and ate at CPK which for real was painful because literally everyone who worked there was the most attractive human. During the meal, I kinda drifted off every once in a while, reflecting on the entirety of the VidCon experience thus far and how it feeds the big picture of my life. It was euphoric. I cried, I laughed, I loved, I hurt, I freaked out, I reconnected with people I had NO idea would be there. And I love that. I love that even thinking about this has brought a tear to my eye. I love that the feelings hit me multiple times this weekend and I had to stop, hug someone, and tell them how beautiful they and this moment are. I love that when the universe was unfair to a friend, that I could be there for them. I love that I was so confident in myself and my feelings so much. I trust myself. I trust the process that has lead me from a wildly unconfident, long haired boy at VidCon 2012, to the over the top, perpetually vulnerable, lover of the entire experience man that was at this VidCon 2014. The choices I've made, which to be honest I've been doubting recently, have been the right ones. I am doing the right things for my life. To place the focus on love, on bettering myself, and doing the things that make me feel the most complete as a person. That's why I'm here. I'm gonna finish this off with something that Mike Falzone told me on the first night of being here. He said, "There are always a million reasons not to do something. At some point, you just gotta jump." I'm about to jump. DFTBA -Connor

"Motivation and Self Discovery"

So today was a day with no ideas. But you guys came through for me. I'm actually extremely happy with the amount I covered today.

We gots to talking about things like staying motivated, making life decisions, and finding out just who in the heck we are. 

I'm definitely into the idea of doing more videos like this in the future. It's nice to have a default "I have no ideas for a video" video idea to fall back on. 

Thanks for all the love and support. Comments and shares on my videos really mean the world as you guys are responsible for so much of the growth my channel has gone through. You really help make this happen for me.

A note on that: I touched on it a bit in the video, and I'm glad I did. I work super duper hard and sacrifice a good amount in order to give this YouTube thing a solid go. That's not designed to generate pity from you guys. It's just the way it is. Seeing the dialogue and the stories y'all share with me every video is incredible and amazing, and even on days/weeks/months when I'm finding it hard to grow the channel, that keeps me going. You keep me going. Thanks for that. 

DFTBA

Connor

"THE FRIEND ZONE"

This video could've been a lot angrier. Proud of you, Connor. *self hive five*

So the Friend Zone is a concept that is all over errywhere in the dating world, and it's just very much not Raven at all. Here's why:

-It implies friendship is a step on the path to sexual/romantic interactions and that friendship is therefore not as important as love/romance/sex

-It reveals the way many people view relationships, as one person acting on another person

-It likens women (primarily although not always) to a prize or something to be earned

etc etc etc etc watch the video.

Thanks for all the love and comments and discussions y'all are the bestest. <3

DFTBA

-Connor

On Routines

I definitely get comfortable in the daily grind. But comfortable is a weird word to use. My comfort isn't very comfortable. It's actually downright boring at times. It is what it is. I've chosen a life that requires me to grind out finances that'll eventually go towards building a life that's way radder and way more emotionally/creatively fulfilling. It's part of this process: the one in which I figure out who I am and what I'm gonna do with my life. But still, sometimes the boredom affects the good stuff I have going on. It drains my creative energy. Keeps me from being excited every Monday and Friday when I make videos.

I was reminded of this when I went to Playlist Live a couple weekends ago. The trip itself was very impulsive. I wouldn't have gone if I wasn't invited and given a free ticket (which was double McFreaking rad of Playlist). That weekend was one of the best I've had in recent memory. It was an adventure. It was doing something and going somewhere just to do it, and I learned a lot and was able to derive a metric crapton of inspiration from that.

Now I'm back home. Going to work every day. Back to that daily/weekly routine of monotony with brief highlights in the form of YouTube videos.

To sound like a cliché young person, I crave something more in this in between period in which I'm biding my time before going independent. I want to go on more adventures. Go somewhere else other than work and my house.

I want to take day trips to see friends. Just wander around and DO things. A big thing I'm missing in my life is fun. I want and need to have more fun, lest I get so bored that I can't come back from it. I've got VidCon coming up in June, and I also want to go other places. Been toying around road tripping up to Toronto and seeing some Canadian buddies of mine.

As the Spring gets going and the weather starts to warm up, that's my new commitment to myself: to have more fun. 2 years ago, I had to get myself back to basics and live day by day. And I finally think I'm at a point where I can expand on that and really start to freaking just live my life.

I plan to move across the country soon. When is soon? Eh, who really knows? But soon enough that the word "soon" feels right to use. So in the meantime I want to do everything I can while I'm still here, both professionally/on YouTube, and locationally.

I can't help but think of the Wilderness Explorers slogan from Up; "Adventure is out there!"

It is out there. And I'm done waiting for it to show up at my door. I gotta go find it myself.

DFTBA
-Connor

"What to Do When People Suck"

Hello my lovelies!

Took Monday off to go to Disney and recover from the insanity that was Playlist Live. Now I'm back!

Today, we're talking about something that definitely is a double McMajor part of my life: getting hurt and/or hurting people. Bad stuff happens. Bad stuff happens to good people. Good people can do bad things. 

This video is definitely me giving advice to myself and not just y'all (like every video I make is this lol). I think it's important to step into the other person's shoes in scenarios like this and try to move forward as best you can. Life is definitely too short to hold grudges.

Here's my 3 step method:

1) Acknowledge that you've been hurt

2) Talk about what you're feeling and thinking about it

3) Confront the problem head on with those involved

 

And that's pretty much it. Thanks for watching and sharing and doing all those wonderful things you do. Playlist was incredible on multiple levels, mainly the one in which I got to meet and see what these videos and this community means to people face to face. 

Peace and Love, homeskillets.

Connor

"Keeping Faith in YouTube"

Pretty much everything about the Tom Milsom/Alex Day abuse allegations that I would want to say has been said by other YouTubers. Here are a few examples:

"What is Consent?" by tyrannosauruslexxx

"The Science and Dangers of YouTube Celebrity" by Anthony D'Angelo

Instead of analyzing the specifics behind the controversy (if you're unaware here's a collection of the posts about it), I thought I'd attempt to inject some positivity. I've heard a lot of discussion about how many are losing their faith in YouTube and are starting to not trust YouTubers. While that response is understandable, I don't think it's the right way to go.

I don't think we should avoid this. I think we should keep talking about it, find out what went wrong, and fight to make sure this disgusting abuse of creator/viewer power never happens again. 

I have faith in this wonderful community and the brilliant minds that make it up, both on the viewer and creator end. We will get passed this. We will support the victims. And we will do what we can to foster an environment where everyone feels safe to be themselves.

DFTBA

-Connor

On Trusting YouTubers

I love YouTube. I love the YouTube community. I love being a YouTuber. But there is something that a lot of people, myself included, forget in regards to being a viewer/fan of someone on this space. I don't know many of the people I watch personally. In fact, the only things I do know about these people are the things they choose to share. The persona that is in my mind in regards to many of the creators I love and enjoy is exactly that: a controlled and deliberate feed of the various traits they want me to see. This is not inherently bad. Not everything about a person is necessary to be shared publicly.

Despite my honesty in my videos, I do the exact same thing. I'm not lying to you guys, but I'm also not sharing every aspect about my personality. How could I? Why would I if I could? The only time this is an actual problem is when a viewer/fan of someone is tricked into thinking they do know someone, only for that to be exploited in a way that benefits the creator. This, which you may not know, happens ALL THE TIME in the YouTube creator world. It often times is talked about using words like "metadata" and "search optimization," which are usually codenames for things like click bait and suggestive titles ("Things Girls Do that Guys Hate," "What I Look for In a Girlfriend" etc.).

Like I said, this is not a bad thing. This doesn't have to be a bad thing. Yes, being on YouTube does grant a viewer/fan a bit more intimacy with the creator, and this can be used to drive incredible projects like Nerdfighteria and p4a, but the important thing to remember is that YouTubers are people, and as a result they are flawed, complex, and a whole lot more than the 4 edited minutes a week you get to see them. 

This should not discourage you. Even though I may not personally know most of the people who call themselves viewers of mine, and even though most of you may not know me, that doesn't mean that our interactions are devoid of meaning. On the contrary, it lends itself well to non-judgmental and open-minded discussion. 

The recent news about several influential creators is disturbing to say the very least. Deplorable and outright disgusting would even be putting it lightly. But I'm gonna avoid using the profanity required to tell you how I actually feel about it. Should this upset you? Absolutely. Should we keep discussing it? Fuck yes. Should this make you not trust all YouTubers? No. It shouldn't.

YouTubers are not infalliable. YouTubers are not perfect. YouTubers are people. And given that they are people, some of them are really amazing people, some of them are really shitty people, and everyone else falls somewhere in between. I will always continue to love YouTube and its community. And I will always have faith in its ability to deal with terrible events and handle them accordingly.

DFTBA.

-Connor